More Pictures!

Since I, apparently, can’t be bothered to actually write about my life, I’m sharing it via pictures. Here are some from mine and Jason’s company holiday party. I think you can tell what happens with the progression.

 

Aw! Aren’t we a cute little couple?

 

Me, having a good time.

 

Jason, enduring having his picture taken.

 

Then, all of a sudden, this girl shows up! I think I should clarify that, while I had imbibed a reasonable amount of alcohol, I’m not drunk in this picture. I’m merely acting like a doofus.

 

And this one!

 

Then, the blurry happens. I think someone was grabbing the photographer’s ass.

Best Police Report, Ever.

One of the best features in my hometown newspaper is the “News of Record” section. This is fancy-speak for “Police Reports.” Whoever writes the synopses of the reports has to have a sense of humor, or maybe my neighbors are just people who like to report silly things to the newspaper.

I give you the most recent and, perhaps, best I’ve ever read:

Ridiculous Woman, 100 block of some street involving a tree, told police Thursday her boyfriend intentionally took her dentures. He told her by phone that he was going to The Next County Over and would not return her property. The full set of dentures in a green case is valued at $375.

Let’s analyze. First, the boyfriend didn’t accidentally stick her dentures in her mouth, thinking they were his and left. He intentionally took them. Or, maybe he did mistakenly do this, head out, she calls and he says, “Bitch, I’m not driving all the way back there to give you your teeth! You’re crazy!” Secondly, it is highly relevant to the ensuing top-of-the-priority-list criminal investigation that the dentures were held in a green case. It’s a major clue, guys! Finally, I just wonder if this is a break-upable offense. He’s her boyfriend. Isn’t it likely that she’ll see him, again? Couldn’t she just get her teeth back, then? So, she’s without teeth — justifiable day off work!

Halloween!

I love, love, love Halloween. I just like costume parties, basically. Here are some pictures from last night’s party. It was fun, and I stayed out later than I have in a long time. Much-needed talks were had, as alcohol tends to dull the scaredy-cat senses. Anyway. Pictures:

Boobs as a Gettin’ My Boo Outta Jail Getaway Car Driver

Close-up of my butterfly face

EB as a Rock Groupie (with her fabulous wig), me, and Pen as a Spartan woman

Ed-Love as The Fart Chief

Me, again. I’m a camera hog.

Jake as King Leonidas and Loftus as Tony Stewart

More Tony Stewart, featuring Man-Toe

Thank You, Mama

…for not letting your baby grow up to be a cowboy. I learned the lesson, yesterday, that farm animal care may not be in my skill set. To give you a visual, if I were a skinny, hotel-fortune heiress with stilettos and more oversized Gucci sunglasses than brains, my Saturday could easily be confused for an episode of The Simple Life. On second thought, maybe it could be an episode of Made, with the subtitle, I Wanna Be A Petting Zoo Carnie.

The episode wouldn’t involve any sort of training but would have a montage flashback consisting of a childhood horse-hoof-meets-toe injury, a teenaged romp through the fields ending in one dead cow and truckbed full of traumatized girls, and the taunting of an adult by preteens for her irrational fear of cows and emus. Instead, my making would cut straight to the day of truth. The commercial break announcer guy would say, “After the break, can Lydia really handle working in horse shit, sweating, and dealing with sugar-hyped children eager for a ride on the ponies?”

Like all of my favorite Made episodes (and maybe just all that make it to air), the Made coach (played, in this case, by the new guy I’m seeing that some of you may have heard about) would emerge in triumph, transforming the polished, sophisticated (ha!) city girl into one that scoffs at a smudge of horseshit on her bare skin, pets all makes and models of barnyard animals and even strikes up the courage to get close enough to her least favorite, the scary-ready-to-stampede-at-any-moment cow, in order to take away the water bucket.

The final thoughts (do you think they stole that from Springer?) would feature me, sweaty, dusty and sleepy telling how it wasn’t all bad. Not really. The 4am wake-up, the still-dark loading of large animals, the anxiety over looking like an idiot who doesn’t know how to open a gate or tie a bungie cord in front of the Made Coach (a.k.a. guy I’m still trying to impress), the grubby children constantly wanting to “go ’round just one more time!,” the sun, the knowledge that hats serve a vital purpose but make me look horrible — none of that was really so bad. I promise!

Off camera, post-Made accomplishment, who’s to say that the girl who got Made got a little tired and, resultingly, snippy with her Made coach? Who’s to say there were a couple of choice words that were a little too harsh for the situation to warrant? Who’s to say she didn’t need a nap like a five-year old post-amusement park? Did the Made coach really think she got that cute by working 15 hours a day in horse shit? No one is to say that, since I believe those tape canisters were destroyed.

Here’s one remaining deleted scene. I give you – mini pony, a la Rob & Big:

Really?

For today’s WTMF moment, I bring you the CNN.com frontpage, circa 10:31 a.m. (emphasis added):

This is really newsworthy? And it’s a video, to boot? Thanks, CNN, for your unending pursuit of journalistic excellence.

Also, what a dumbass!